LES’S LIFE LAWS
March 26, 2012 19 Comments
I have become a fan of Facebook.
I love the fact that I rarely forget a “friend’s” birthday anymore. I also know in which airport they are currently having bad coffee, what my friends pack for lunch for their children, what people think of them, what games they are playing and what was their score, and I love the fact that I can post photos of my culinary experiments to an admiring audience of obviously even worse cooks than I am.
I do however find it a bit strange that many people feel that it is a worthwhile contribution to the betterment of humanity to just keep regularly posting on Facebook some inspirational saying that they have found on one of the many web sites dedicated to this art form. I assume that these truisms of life are meant to make us feel better and be able to get on with the day overcoming ails like clinical depression, bad career choices and even worse relationship decisions as we all bask in the wisdom of these aphorisms.
I have never understood sayings like “If you can’t beat them, join them”. As far as I am concerned it would make more sense to say “If you can’t beat them, attack again, as they will be taken totally by surprise having built an expectation that you were about to join them.”
Celestine Chua, founder of the School for Personal Excellence in Singapore loves Inspirational quotes, both as a prolific creator and a collector and believes that life can be made significantly easier by uttering mantras such as “To create more positive results in your life, replace ‘if only’ with ‘next time’” and “Everything around us is made up of energy, and so to attract positive things in your life, start by giving off positive energy”. I agree with her to the point that “next time” I will “positively” keep away from her blog and web site. I guess that there are enough life-confused people wandering about in this world that a smart operator can transform a book full of pithy sayings into a business and an image as a wise educator.
So called inspirational quotes like “When you say yes to others make sure you are not saying no to yourself” have about as much chance of changing one’s attitude to life as “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. No it doesn’t … life begins when you can use a potty and understand that you should not play with its contents … from then on it’s all real life, whether it is comfortable or not.
To counter all these “life is just one long positive thought” gurus, I have therefore decided to pull together some of my own true “Laws of Life” that make real sense, are not at all inspirational, and that I believe point to the true meaning of life, which we all know is 42.
Les’s Laws on women
– If you have been divorced twice already, you should not remarry. Instead, you should, every 10 years, find a woman you really dislike and buy her a house.
– On the hospital form, where it says who to call in an emergency you should always put “Doctor”. What could your wife do?
– Women will scream the same whether they stumble across a ravenous tiger or break a fingernail.
– There are 2 excellent theories on how to argue with women, but neither one works.
– When a woman asks “Does my bum look big in this?”, the correct answer is not “Come over here to the light so I can get a good look.”
Les’s Laws on intelligence
– Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
– The reason people can get lost in thought is that for many it is very unfamiliar territory.
– Artificial intelligence is never a match for natural stupidity.
– You are never too old to learn something really stupid.
– A computer may be able to beat you at chess, but you can always beat it at kick-boxing.
Les’s Laws on life generally
– Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
– Everything you lose will immediately double in value.
– The only thing that is worse than death is spending the evening with an accountant.
– Worrying actually does bring results. 80% of what I worry about doesn’t happen.
– With sufficient thrust, pigs can fly just fine.
Les’s Laws on business
– Live every work day as though you are going on vacation the day after.
– It’s a good idea to not get between a highly competitive jerk and his goals.
– There is nothing worse than a nervous boss, particularly if you are the one that is making him nervous.
– Never try and teach a pig to sing. It is a waste of time and it really annoys the pig. (G.B.Shaw)
– There are a lot of idiots out there who have been deprived of a village. Don’t give them yours.
Friedrich Nietzsche said “That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
If you can live your life with friends, love and laughter and just disregard the more that 14 million hits that come up on Google when you search on “motivational quotes”, you can be just like Hercules.