LES’S LIFE LAWS

I have become a fan of Facebook.

I love the fact that I rarely forget a “friend’s” birthday anymore. I also know in which airport they are currently having bad coffee, what my friends pack for lunch for their children, what people think of them, what games they are playing and what was their score, and I love the fact that I can post photos of my culinary experiments to an admiring audience of obviously even worse cooks than I am.

Author: David Ferreira; via Wikimedia Commons


I do however find it a bit strange that many people feel that it is a worthwhile contribution to the betterment of humanity to just keep regularly posting on Facebook some inspirational saying that they have found on one of the many web sites dedicated to this art form. I assume that these truisms of life are meant to make us feel better and be able to get on with the day overcoming ails like clinical depression, bad career choices and even worse relationship decisions as we all bask in the wisdom of these aphorisms.

I have never understood sayings like “If you can’t beat them, join them”. As far as I am concerned it would make more sense to say “If you can’t beat them, attack again, as they will be taken totally by surprise having built an expectation that you were about to join them.”

Celestine Chua, founder of the School for Personal Excellence in Singapore loves Inspirational quotes, both as a prolific creator and a collector and believes that life can be made significantly easier by uttering mantras such as “To create more positive results in your life, replace ‘if only’ with ‘next time’” and “Everything around us is made up of energy, and so to attract positive things in your life, start by giving off positive energy”. I agree with her to the point that “next time” I will “positively” keep away from her blog and web site. I guess that there are enough life-confused people wandering about in this world that a smart operator can transform a book full of pithy sayings into a business and an image as a wise educator.

Author: Dave Ahlschwede; via Wikimedia Commons


So called inspirational quotes like “When you say yes to others make sure you are not saying no to yourself” have about as much chance of changing one’s attitude to life as “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. No it doesn’t … life begins when you can use a potty and understand that you should not play with its contents … from then on it’s all real life, whether it is comfortable or not.

To counter all these “life is just one long positive thought” gurus, I have therefore decided to pull together some of my own true “Laws of Life” that make real sense, are not at all inspirational, and that I believe point to the true meaning of life, which we all know is 42.

Author: Daniel Ventura (own work); via Wikimedia Commons


Les’s Laws on women

– If you have been divorced twice already, you should not remarry. Instead, you should, every 10 years, find a woman you really dislike and buy her a house.
– On the hospital form, where it says who to call in an emergency you should always put “Doctor”. What could your wife do?
– Women will scream the same whether they stumble across a ravenous tiger or break a fingernail.
– There are 2 excellent theories on how to argue with women, but neither one works.
– When a woman asks “Does my bum look big in this?”, the correct answer is not “Come over here to the light so I can get a good look.”

Les’s Laws on intelligence

– Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
– The reason people can get lost in thought is that for many it is very unfamiliar territory.
– Artificial intelligence is never a match for natural stupidity.
– You are never too old to learn something really stupid.
– A computer may be able to beat you at chess, but you can always beat it at kick-boxing.

Les’s Laws on life generally

– Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.
– Everything you lose will immediately double in value.
– The only thing that is worse than death is spending the evening with an accountant.
– Worrying actually does bring results. 80% of what I worry about doesn’t happen.
– With sufficient thrust, pigs can fly just fine.

Les’s Laws on business

– Live every work day as though you are going on vacation the day after.
– It’s a good idea to not get between a highly competitive jerk and his goals.
– There is nothing worse than a nervous boss, particularly if you are the one that is making him nervous.
– Never try and teach a pig to sing. It is a waste of time and it really annoys the pig. (G.B.Shaw)
– There are a lot of idiots out there who have been deprived of a village. Don’t give them yours.

Friedrich Nietzsche said “That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”

If you can live your life with friends, love and laughter and just disregard the more that 14 million hits that come up on Google when you search on “motivational quotes”, you can be just like Hercules.

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19 Responses to LES’S LIFE LAWS

  1. Frank says:

    Les. LOL..
    though not so sure about a night with an accountant being worse than death..it did remind me of the following story, with Kerry Packer when I worked for him in the 80’s..
    In the Tap Room alongside his office, Kerry states, “I hate computers, I hate accountants, I hate slant eyes, I hate Jews”, I laugh, Kerry says what you laughing at Frank, I reply “at least I’m not slant eyed”, he laughs.. (I’m a Jewish, qualified accountant, and in charge of Kerry’s computers)

  2. Robert Heaton says:

    Thank you Les – you brought a lot of laughs and brightened up my day.
    Wonder when we will see Victoria’s response to your insights?

  3. leshayman says:

    Robert, I did ask for her permission first. We argued about “Les’s Laws on Women”, and I didn’t win, so I went ahead anyway. Les 🙂

  4. Mrs Winnie lee says:

    Brought some laughter on a rather sleepy Monday noon…… Do you have any other friends who packs lunch for their kids?!?!

  5. cnxtim says:

    Breathes there a man with hide so tough, who says two sexes aren’t enough?
    (Quote by – Samuel Hoffenstein)

    Obviously, Sam never made it to Thailand! Check out the video on this blog

    http://maepenrai.blogspot.com/

  6. Scott says:

    Hi Les
    I found your laws on life exceptionally worrying as both my brother and father are accountants.
    Therefore my first 17 years of life were worse than death.
    Regards Scott

    • leshayman says:

      Scotty, nevertheless it would have been a good grounding to prepare you for joining our family. the only thing worse than accountants are people in the computer industry and those in the legal professions, so you crapped out on those counts as well. Les

  7. Dee Pierce says:

    Do I feel a Mensa offshoot of facebook coming on?…

    Les, Les, Les, why do you ‘complain’ about what is posted on fb when you know all standard deviations from the mean are on there?

    I don’t post pithy sayings or aphorisms but I do maintain that it’s possible such truisms could help someone with no natural inclination towards introspection to achieve greater self-knowledge and awareness. And they are at worst harmless.

    Btw I’m with Victoria on your ‘laws on women’… way off. I’ve never screamed in my life and I’m sure she hasn’t either. But then you only posted them to get a reaction so I’m pleased you’re pleased to have achieved desired result!

    D Xx

    PS. Did you listen to him? I challenge you to say you weren’t impressed!

    • leshayman says:

      Dee, I agree that these sayings are harmless but I also believe that they have little effect, as I doubt that a timid person will read “Life starts at the edge of your comfort zone” and immediately rush out and join a skydiving club, whereas a twice divorced man may read my laws and then weigh up the cost of a 3rd marriage against the “house as a gift” option, and my advice on pill mixing may give comfort to the incontinent.
      Inspirational quotes are written by, and generally shared/posted by, people who are already inspired, whereas my laws are truisms for the lost and bewildered as they are not meant to inspire but just to give some insights into real life.

      You are right about women and screaming … I should have replaced “… scream …” with “… fan hands frantically …”. Les

      PS: I agree he is a wonderful tenor, helped by the size of the echo chamber, but it still won’t make me want to watch the TV show.

      • Dee Pierce says:

        Les…

        Me neither (re watching the show) but gratified you agree he’s an excellent tenor. Size of echo chamber is a moot point unless fat does actually help…??

        And ‘fans hands frantically’ is even more of an insult! My daughter, who has a spider phobia, still deals with them (or asks me to deal with them if I’m around) calmly. The image of women panicking, even quietly, is not complimentary. Blonde jibes are fine and I don’t mind pandering to the Aussie need to bag NZ, but hand-flapping?…seriously, Leslie!! If you persist in this I’ll just have to formalise my bloke status.

        However, I am eternally grateful for the pill mixing advice…potential disaster has been averted.

        Yours in jest
        D Xx

      • leshayman says:

        Dee, Aussies only bag NZ because they are envious. Les

  8. flunkenblog says:

    Thanks Les – these really made my day, especially the one about finding a woman one really dislikes and buying her a house. That’s smart!

    • leshayman says:

      T.Franz … and will also help to invigorate the housing industry supporting the European economy. May I recommend Spain as they have about 400,000 dwellings available at low prices. Les

  9. martin says:

    Les, I find you are always at your very best when you make me laugh out loud. This made me laugh out loud.
    Martin

  10. Les…

    As-is: Les’s Laws on women
    To-be: Les’s Laws on “Pretty Women” (Paris Hilton or “Sois belle et tais-toi”) 🙂

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